My friend Michael just unwittingly titled this entry for me whilst he was playing video games and talking to the TV. Thanks buddy. As you know getting started is the hardest part.
Anyways, I got a spell of disappointing news yesterday and it was confirmed today. I know its not the end of the world but it is still "difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over." The news was I didn't not get a job that I felt would have been a good opportunity for me. It sucks b/c it was an opportunity that would have dictated what I would have been doing the next two or three years. Now instead of going and doing I'm back to the drawing board. I feel like I'm constantly at a crossroad and every time I think I've figured out which way I want to go something prevents me from doing it. Uhhh. You know what I mean?
But, I woke up this morning with a song in my head. This hasn't happened in about three weeks or so, but the last time it happened I told Michael (yes the very same Michael from above) that it seemed like whatever song that was in head when I awoke would set the tone and theme for that day. Michael said that if a song gets stuck in your head, the only way to get it out is to listen to it. So that's just "awhat" I did. This particular morning the song was The Avett Bros. "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise." And it goes a little something like this...
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded with light
And in the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it
When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream
And one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream till I die or the last of the bad thoughts are finally out
There's darkness upon you that's flooded with light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and comes in white
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it.
When I heard this song, the italicized lines especially, it really made me feel better. Some might say that this was just a cowinkiedink and to them I say "boo, Sir, boo."
I'd like to think of it as the Lord speaking to me in a way that He knows I'll understand.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
"I think I'm gonna cancel the breakfast club"
I'm not happy with my last post.
While I was at the funeral, my Grandfather said the saddest thing I've ever heard and I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, but I knew that I could NOT cry.
He said "It doesn't get any easier. It's rough Cole. Not only did I lose my brother, but I lost my best friend."
It hit me so hard that it physically hurt. To me it was just another funeral, but not to him.
As hard as it hit me, I knew I couldn't cry. Not that crying is bad or would make me less of a man. I just knew that if I started crying then he would. I was so scared to see him cry that I stopped myself from doing it. I didn't want to see my Grandfather cry. I've only knew strength from him and I didn't want it to acknowledge that he could break down too.
I mean this is my Granddad. Not just any Granddad but GRANDDAD. The teeth sneezer, the Hairyman slayer, the bull puncher, the mini horse wrangler. He is the stuff upon which legends are built.
He is the most genuine person I know. I wish everyone could know him and I could know him even more so.
Now I feel really bad about that evening because maybe he needed to cry. Maybe that might have been his only real chance to let it out.
One thing I did learn is that funerals are not for the deceased. People try to make arrangements for their loved ones because "it's what they would have wanted." The dead don't care. For better or worse they have moved on. Funerals are for the ones they've left, so they can make their peace and say goodbye. It helps them move on.
"Like the wings stolen from an angel
Like petals gone from a rose
Like a dove caught in a storm
Tonight he is in the Lord's arms"
On a lighter note, I made my Aunt Pat laugh during the funeral. She is the widow. I hope it really made her happy for just those few seconds, because those few seconds made everything worth it to me. It's times like those that make me happy to be me and I thank the Lord for them.
While I was at the funeral, my Grandfather said the saddest thing I've ever heard and I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, but I knew that I could NOT cry.
He said "It doesn't get any easier. It's rough Cole. Not only did I lose my brother, but I lost my best friend."
It hit me so hard that it physically hurt. To me it was just another funeral, but not to him.
As hard as it hit me, I knew I couldn't cry. Not that crying is bad or would make me less of a man. I just knew that if I started crying then he would. I was so scared to see him cry that I stopped myself from doing it. I didn't want to see my Grandfather cry. I've only knew strength from him and I didn't want it to acknowledge that he could break down too.
I mean this is my Granddad. Not just any Granddad but GRANDDAD. The teeth sneezer, the Hairyman slayer, the bull puncher, the mini horse wrangler. He is the stuff upon which legends are built.
He is the most genuine person I know. I wish everyone could know him and I could know him even more so.
Now I feel really bad about that evening because maybe he needed to cry. Maybe that might have been his only real chance to let it out.
One thing I did learn is that funerals are not for the deceased. People try to make arrangements for their loved ones because "it's what they would have wanted." The dead don't care. For better or worse they have moved on. Funerals are for the ones they've left, so they can make their peace and say goodbye. It helps them move on.
"Like the wings stolen from an angel
Like petals gone from a rose
Like a dove caught in a storm
Tonight he is in the Lord's arms"
On a lighter note, I made my Aunt Pat laugh during the funeral. She is the widow. I hope it really made her happy for just those few seconds, because those few seconds made everything worth it to me. It's times like those that make me happy to be me and I thank the Lord for them.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I had a Great Uncle die today. I'm not sure if I handle death well or not; seeing as how I've never had anyone really close to me die. I guess that could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it.
I'm normally quiet at funerals. I try not to say much to the person(s) closest to the departed. I figure they don't want to hear the same stuff over and over again. "They're in a better place" or "If you need anything call me." In my mind that kinda generic stuff would go in one ear and out the other anyway.
So you what do ya do?
I'll tell ya what I do. Show up, shut up and "Hug it out, bitch."
I'm a hugger. I think it speaks more than anything else I could say.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with this on the other side but hopefully not for a long time. I assume I'll either handle it the same way or be an emotional disaster.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I'm normally quiet at funerals. I try not to say much to the person(s) closest to the departed. I figure they don't want to hear the same stuff over and over again. "They're in a better place" or "If you need anything call me." In my mind that kinda generic stuff would go in one ear and out the other anyway.
So you what do ya do?
I'll tell ya what I do. Show up, shut up and "Hug it out, bitch."
I'm a hugger. I think it speaks more than anything else I could say.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with this on the other side but hopefully not for a long time. I assume I'll either handle it the same way or be an emotional disaster.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The deja view from my desk
"He did not know about the fish that exist in trenches, living their lives & dying their deaths without ever seeing the sun. He did not know that there are both fish & men whose bete noire (literately translated as dark beast, it means potential to cause harm or fear, thank you Wikipedia) is not pressure but the lack of it." I had never read this before tonight but as soon as I read it I had a strong sense of deja vu. Almost to the point that in midsentence I knew what it was going to say. Instead of seeing the words I saw an myself sitting at my desk reading my book.
Sounds crazy, no?
Imagine how I feel.
I like this quote. Its from Stephen King's novella Langoliers.
Part of it is referring to the fish at the very bottom of the ocean. They live in complete blackness, void of all light. Some produce their own light, while others rely on the sense of feel to function. They live in pressures that would kill a human if we were ever exposed to them. But if these creatures were ever brought up to the surface they would explode. Most of that information came from the book. The rest I picked up from a tv series called Planet Earth. I saw it about a week ago but it was about the same subject.
The show also talked about these little colonies that spring up on the earth's surface thousands of miles below sea level. The colonies form around geysers. They're openings on the surface of the earth where pressure is released at extremely hot temperatures. Life starts springing up around these geysers because of the bacteria the grows from them. There are literally hundreds of different species, some that have never been discovered before, that live around these geysers. There are also countless numbers of these geysers on the bottom of the ocean & the colonies are all different i.e. different species.
There is no telling how long these geysers will be going off. Once the geyser stops, so does the life surrounding it. They are all these little ticking time bomb universes just waiting to go off. Some of these species may become extinct before we can even discover them. Which is a pretty selfish statement seeing as how they are the ones dying.
So what does all of this have to do with anything? Why am I blogging about it?
I don't know.
One thought just kinda led to the other I guess. I'm just trying to brainstorm in an attempt to see if I can piece together why I had this feeling of deja vu. I don't think deja vu is coincidental. I think it is put in us for some kind of reason & I feel some kind of responsibility to at least think it through. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I've seen to many sci-fi flicks, but I want to believe that there is some kind of purpose behind it. And I want to have it all figure out before my own little time bomb universe goes kabluey. Ha haa.
I spoke to my co-worker . He's a 50-ish year old black man and newly appointed (although he doesn't know it) best work buddy. He seemed a little perplexed when I asked and then he said that not 30 minutes before I had my feeling of deja vu that he had the same thing happen to him. He was reading a book right behind me at his desk as well. I didn't ask him what he read when he had his feeling. That probably would have been useful information.
Anyway he asked "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I said "Sure." So he says "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I said "Yeah, I just said that." Then he said "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I told him that were not best work buddies anymore.
He didn't get it.
Time
Is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel
Believe
Believe in me
Believe
That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different
Tonight
Sounds crazy, no?
Imagine how I feel.
I like this quote. Its from Stephen King's novella Langoliers.
Part of it is referring to the fish at the very bottom of the ocean. They live in complete blackness, void of all light. Some produce their own light, while others rely on the sense of feel to function. They live in pressures that would kill a human if we were ever exposed to them. But if these creatures were ever brought up to the surface they would explode. Most of that information came from the book. The rest I picked up from a tv series called Planet Earth. I saw it about a week ago but it was about the same subject.
The show also talked about these little colonies that spring up on the earth's surface thousands of miles below sea level. The colonies form around geysers. They're openings on the surface of the earth where pressure is released at extremely hot temperatures. Life starts springing up around these geysers because of the bacteria the grows from them. There are literally hundreds of different species, some that have never been discovered before, that live around these geysers. There are also countless numbers of these geysers on the bottom of the ocean & the colonies are all different i.e. different species.
There is no telling how long these geysers will be going off. Once the geyser stops, so does the life surrounding it. They are all these little ticking time bomb universes just waiting to go off. Some of these species may become extinct before we can even discover them. Which is a pretty selfish statement seeing as how they are the ones dying.
So what does all of this have to do with anything? Why am I blogging about it?
I don't know.
One thought just kinda led to the other I guess. I'm just trying to brainstorm in an attempt to see if I can piece together why I had this feeling of deja vu. I don't think deja vu is coincidental. I think it is put in us for some kind of reason & I feel some kind of responsibility to at least think it through. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I've seen to many sci-fi flicks, but I want to believe that there is some kind of purpose behind it. And I want to have it all figure out before my own little time bomb universe goes kabluey. Ha haa.
I spoke to my co-worker . He's a 50-ish year old black man and newly appointed (although he doesn't know it) best work buddy. He seemed a little perplexed when I asked and then he said that not 30 minutes before I had my feeling of deja vu that he had the same thing happen to him. He was reading a book right behind me at his desk as well. I didn't ask him what he read when he had his feeling. That probably would have been useful information.
Anyway he asked "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I said "Sure." So he says "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I said "Yeah, I just said that." Then he said "Do you believe in deja vu?" and I told him that were not best work buddies anymore.
He didn't get it.
Time
Is never time at all
You can never ever leave
Without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change, the less you feel
Believe
Believe in me
Believe
That life can change
That you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different
Tonight
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My second blog
I accidentally hit enter on my first blog and it was posted before I could actually write anything. I'm glad it's over. It feels like an incredible burden was lifted off my shoulders. Now I can really get down to the nitty gritty.
I don't know why I wanted to start blogging now...
A few days ago I had this strong urge to express myself in a way I never have before. I needed an outlet. Some way to vent all of the crap that gets jammed up inside my head. I thought "I'll start a blog." So what did I do? Went straight home, got on my computer, checked my email and went to bed.
A few days later, my girlfriend said she was going to start blogging. Again. She's a recovering addict (from blogging not bad stuff.) So I decided that that was a good enough sign for me. I created my own blog as well.
Here are a list of problems that have arisen since the creation of my blog: television, writer's block, the only person who is going to read this is my girlfriend, television, broken water pipes, work, procrastination, sporadic apathy and accidentally hitting Enter instead of Tab (possible Freudian slip.)
But I shall overcome this obstakles. I forgot to add that I'm a bad speller and that I have a bad memory to the list above.
Anyway, hopefully this will do somebody some good.
Song playing in my head: Tom Traubert's Blues (Four Sheets To The Wind In Copenhagen)
"...it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal.
No prima donna, the perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
And goodnight to the street sweepers,
The night watchman flame keepers,
And goodnight, Matilda, too."
Editor's note: I hate using "that that" when writing and hate to read it even more. You just feel awkward and dirty afterwards. Sorry. It will probably never happen again.
I don't know why I wanted to start blogging now...
A few days ago I had this strong urge to express myself in a way I never have before. I needed an outlet. Some way to vent all of the crap that gets jammed up inside my head. I thought "I'll start a blog." So what did I do? Went straight home, got on my computer, checked my email and went to bed.
A few days later, my girlfriend said she was going to start blogging. Again. She's a recovering addict (from blogging not bad stuff.) So I decided that that was a good enough sign for me. I created my own blog as well.
Here are a list of problems that have arisen since the creation of my blog: television, writer's block, the only person who is going to read this is my girlfriend, television, broken water pipes, work, procrastination, sporadic apathy and accidentally hitting Enter instead of Tab (possible Freudian slip.)
But I shall overcome this obstakles. I forgot to add that I'm a bad speller and that I have a bad memory to the list above.
Anyway, hopefully this will do somebody some good.
Song playing in my head: Tom Traubert's Blues (Four Sheets To The Wind In Copenhagen)
"...it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal.
No prima donna, the perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
And goodnight to the street sweepers,
The night watchman flame keepers,
And goodnight, Matilda, too."
Editor's note: I hate using "that that" when writing and hate to read it even more. You just feel awkward and dirty afterwards. Sorry. It will probably never happen again.
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